New E-Businesses Help Students Write, And Rewrite, Their Admissions Essays
Hoping to major in marine biology at a top university, a wealthy Massachusetts girl laced her application essay with smiley faces and wrote that she once visited an aquarium, "sort of liked fish" and thought the movie " 'Free Willy' was so cool."
Here are examples of essays submitted to Cambridge Essay Service and the revisions.
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In my capacity as both a second year venture capital associate and leader of Elmbank Industries' [a portfolio company] 18 Employees, all of whom were older than me, I coordinated the creation and implementation of E-Elmbank, an Internet sales channel. Developing a strategy and project scope for E-Elmbank required innovative thought and initiative, and implementing the plan within the legacy business would prove a greater challenge.
During my first trip to the headquarters of Elmbank Industries as a second year venture capital associate, Sam Rhodes, my supervisor, introduced me as the E-Elmbank.com project manager. Then he asked me to say a few words. I swallowed hard and started by asking the group of 18 for help. My self-effacing humor was overdone. I rambled. I patronized these workers, all of whom I would desperately need. Later, Sam waited until we were alone, touched me slightly on the shoulder, and said it was "a great start." My nervous and rambling speech had been a disaster, but my boss was sticking with me. I had just witnessed great leadership.